I think I hurt myself laughing at this part:

Some struck the Target—most of it did not.
Too difficult when Kohler seem'd to sway;
Both Sides would live to clash another Day.
House flush'd, then gave the Tank a humbled Pat.
A Casualty of War, the Pink Bath Mat.

It's not only a terrific epic, but you've got that tone of the friendly reasonableness that accompanies being massively drunk just exactly right.